5 Ways to Feel Better After Getting Dumped by Someone.
Don't get mad, get ahead.
Getting Dumped.
The sun is shining with a gentle warmth through the window. The birds in the garden are singing. There is music playing softly on the radio, and you are lifting your coffee to your lips when your phone pings.
You put down your cup and pick up your mobile to check your message, and there it is.
“I don’t want/need to see you anymore."
BAM. Sucker-punched, right in the guts.
The Emotional Rollercoaster.
You start to shake, first in disbelief and then with adrenaline as the shock kicks in.
Like that, the sun goes away. The birds all start laughing. The music becomes loud and tinny. You feel your heart rise, ready to pop out of your mouth. Great, gasping sobs come with it. Tears stream down your face and plop into your cup.
You don't know if you feel more humiliated, confused, or sad. The hurt from the rejection feels as real as a physical assault.
Being dumped by anyone is horrible. A partner, a friend, a family member, a boss, a client, or anyone in your life can dump you. Even the dog or your own kids might dump you from time to time. No one is guaranteed to stay in your life. When you get used to the idea that someone will, and then they don't, it hurts like hell.
Nobody is immune to someone dumping them. It happens to the best of us. I can’t think of anyone I know who has never experienced someone dumping them in any way, shape, or form. Yet, in that moment, as though it has only ever happened to us. That we are unique in our worthlessness and to that other person, a canker they are glad to be rid of. Like the world will be watching and judging, somehow agreeing that the dumper was right to ditch the dumpee.
At first, we search for reasons why the dumper was right to dump us and inevitably find them. We are not clever enough, pretty enough, sexy enough, knowledgeable enough, available enough, or anything else enough for them. Thus, we are ripe for the ditch.
We never stop to think that the dumper might be the issue.
Until we do.
Then we begin to get angry.
So, so angry. We cry and shake all over again. This time in indignant rage at the injustice of it all. How could they do this to us? Why? Why us when we have been so perfect and wonderful in all our undertakings with them?
But then we remember that time when we did the thing. We were probably in the wrong. So we go back to blaming ourselves again.
And there it goes, round and round. Hurt, then angry, then hurt again. Until the pain fades gradually. Sometimes the pain takes longer than others, and sometimes it is worse than others.
Cave Dumpees.
Human beings are social animals. In our not-too-distant past, we had to depend on being part of a group to survive.
Being shunned might mean being cast out. We'd be left to fight the bears and sabre-tooth tigers alone. We might have been unable to keep a fire burning while we slept. Or have been unsafe from the wolves. We might have been unable to hunt and gather enough to feed ourselves. In short, outcast humans didn’t do very well. So it is a basic human need to feel like we belong. That is, to not feel rejected.
How to Make the Pain Go Away.
Allow yourself to grieve.
Listen up. Feeling like shit after a breakup is a normal response.
If you didn't feel that way, you likely weren't invested in that friendship, partnership, or role. So, you would have parted ways regardless.
But if you were very much into it, the chances are you foresaw a future outcome, and it was a nice one. You are not only grieving the loss of what you thought you had in the present but also that of the future. It can be really taxing on the brain and the heartstrings to be forced to see a different future. Not the result you had hoped and planned for.
It’s gonna hurt; there is no way around it. Talking to your friends or family might help. Grab a nice blanket, some snacks, and 27 toilet rolls for the snot and tears. Then, comfort eat in front of the TV, or whatever you do when you feel crappy. You have permission to cry to get it out of your system.
If the pain is not letting up, and is affecting your daily life, it might be of some benefit to talk to a professional.
Reconnect With Yourself
It sounds cliché as heck, but try to think of what you would tell a friend, and give yourself that same advice. Would you tell them it was all their fault and they deserve to feel this way? No. You would tell them that it is ok to feel sad. You might help them see it is not their fault. Or, things were just not meant to be as they imagined. You might tell them how it’s the dumper’s loss, and do things to cheer them up.
You would be kind to them.
So why not be that for yourself?
You can go ahead and do things that help you feel better. You don’t need to wait for permission or for someone else to think of it. Be that thing a new jumper, indulging in a hobby or being creative. Read a self help book, or take a course. Munch a shit ton of your favourite chocolate and have a night out (or in) with your bestie. Personally, I love to crochet, watch films, eat Bosh! Lemon cake and to play farm games on my Switch when I’m feeling a bit blue. Do whatever floats your boat and comforts you. As long as it doesn't hurt anyone, that's the right thing to do.
What things are you good at? Do them. Do lots of them and be awesome at doing them.
Keep A Self Esteem File
If you've been rejected professionally, it can hurt your confidence. You'll need to avoid imposter syndrome. It happened to me recently, and I was heartbroken. I cried and felt very confused as I’d thought things were going well. I had not experienced it before, and it was a shock. A colleague told me, "For every 99 happy customers, one will be unhappy. You'll only remember that one." So make a point of remembering some things you know you are good at.
Keep a file for future reference incase you ever need it, of nice things people have said about you. Read old, happy customer reviews. Or, look at the performance targets you smashed. Think about repeat clients. They liked your work and believed in you.
Take a good look at all the things that you do right in your professional life. I guarantee they will outweigh that one rejection when you take an objective view.
This file works for your non-professional life too. If one person rejects you, it's no big deal. But, a file of people praising you for being the mutt's nuts is very therapeutic. You can sit smugly, knowing the dumper messed up big time.
Reflect And Learn
The saying “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” is not always true. Sometimes, what doesn’t kill you merely makes you feel like shit for a very long time.
I prefer to think “what doesn’t kill you CAN make you stronger, if you use it to your advantage.”
You can think about what led up to being dumped. In all honesty, is there something you could learn or gain from it?
This doesn’t mean you should be trying to make yourself change. You are perfect as you are, and the perfect people to be in your life will recognise that. You can change your environment, social circle, and skills. Do this to improve your already wonderful self and have a better future.
That little bit of grey matter that you earn from the experience could be the key to a wonderful and happy tomorrow.
Could you find better friends, who encourage you to do well in life instead of dragging you down?
Could you improve your job skills or people skills? It might avoid a repeat of the same situation. It would also make you a more valuable asset to yourself and your company.
Could you learn to avoid cheating, scumbag weirdos in your love life?
Could you become more independent and not need to rely on a partner or family member?
Could you save a fortune and take that dream holiday? You were never "allowed" to go before because that nobhead indoors swallowed all your cash.
Could you finally try gym, karate, dancing, art, or anything else you wanted to do before but lacked time or confidence to pursue?
What can you do to turn this situation to your advantage?
How can you come out of this situation better off than when you went into it?
Keep Your Distance
Now that someone has dumped you and you have decided to turn it to your advantage, you want to keep winning. So move on, and move up. Hanging around is not only degrading to you, it will prolong your misery. The dumpee made their choice. Now make it their loss. Don’t look back.
Believe me I know. I was in a DV relationship. I depended on him for everything. I was a desperate fool whenever he left. I was grateful whenever he came back. He liked to keep me begging.
As a romantic dumpee, you may hope that, somehow, being friends will give a chance to get back together.
Nope. Don’t do it. You are so much better than that.
That is creepy ex territory.
You know how creepy exes try to give those special cuddles? And they follow you like a stalker, stopping only to read your social media? Don’t be that creepy ex. Be the one that got away. But, most importantly, don’t do it for your ex’s benefit. That ship has sailed. Be the best version of you, for YOU, and any future, better people that come into your life.
If someone has dumped you at work, then take any feedback and turn it to your advantage. Reflect and Learn. And while you do so, walk away with your head held high. Anything else is unprofessional. Take this as an opportunity to examine what has not been working and change that so that you can level up. Become a more badass-boss-bitch version of yourself and grow above your current status. Choose to use it as a catalyst for good, and not a reason to quit.
If you've been dumped as a friend, you were likely growing apart.
As sad as you are to see that person go, they are now leaving room for the next friend in your life so go find them. Think of all the things you enjoy doing, the places you enjoy being, and chat to people there.
I met my best friend online. We talk almost daily. My old best friends from years ago, I might see once every three or four months in passing. If we had still been hanging out, my career would be different. I'd have met different people and be on a different path. They might not have met people they have met since me and they might have been on the wrong path for them too. People evolve as we age. In 10 years, your besties may be mere acquaintances, as your circumstances will change.
Every day, people dump and get dumped. Sometimes it hurts. Other times, it barely matters. But, how we handle being dumped can shape our entire existence and future. So, allow yourself to feel all the feelings. Do what it takes to get through them. Grow from the experience. Emerge as a new, confident, wise, and dignified you.
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Warm’N’Fuzzies,
Freya xx
What you write is very true, it is hard to recover when you get dumped, but you need to take the stance that is their loss ! When you are dumped by txt I have always thought “ what a coward and you never really liked me that much, even though you said you loved me “ I thought about all the things that made me mad at you, and how much better off I am not to have to see you again !! You are too good for them .