How Are Your In-Laws?
Do you have lovely in-laws, like I do?
My in-laws are fantastic. I know not everyone has a good relationship with theirs but I do, and my word am I grateful for it.
We are currently down in the South West of the UK, for a couple of days. He, the dog, and I. We are staying at his Dad’s house.
A good relationship with his family is something I do not take for granted, and I’m grateful to have been accepted into the fold.
Being close matters.
Having always lived close to my family, visiting them has always been something I take for granted. My adult kids still live at home, so I see them daily. But for my partner to see his family, requires a half-day drive there and back, and a mini-holiday from work, and them taking time out of their normal week too.
So it is extra special when we do finally all get to see each other.
I never realised how much I took my own parents for granted, until one was no longer with us. Finding time to touch base with those who raised us, if we were lucky enough to be raised within a family, is a luxury we do not always consider to be important until it is something we are no longer able to do. Even if it is just a text to say “hi” on a more regular basis, keeping the lines of communication open with those we are close to is something we should all practice more often.
My partner makes the effort to call his parents and brothers on a regular basis. In my family we have our group chat. In both cases, we send random photos of our dogs and kids and let the others know we are thinking of them throughout our days.
Keeping The In-Laws Happy.
So, how do you have a good relationship with the in-laws?
Assuming they are not serial killers, or worse, Barry Manilow fans, getting on with the in-laws is something that makes all of our lives easier.
From their point of view.
They are trusting you with their precious offspring. While their offspring may indeed be in their thirties, forties, or even their fifties, they are and always will be their parent’s baby.
They knew your partner before your partner could wipe their own dribble from their chin.
They taught your partner how to use a spoon.
They sang songs with them about poos on the potty.
They saw them through every school play, Christmas and Birthday, acne, first crush, prom plus everything else that happened before you came along.
In short, you are stealing their child from them and they have every right to be suspicious at first. I know if anyone so much as looks at my kiddos, even at 22 and almost 25, my spidey senses are going into overdrive and I’m not averse to stalking that potential threat to my babies on social media.
Don’t be a control freak.
If you respect your partner, you know that it is ok for them to have people in their lives besides you. It is a form of control to try and deny them relationships with anyone. Having lived through DV with a past husband, I know how bad it can be when someone you love drives away others you love. He used a situation from my past, to have a huge argument with one of my parents, then made me choose between him and my parent. No matter what you think of their family or friends, your partner has every right to be with them, speak to them and see them.
Similarly, never allow anyone to stop you seeing your loved ones either.
Give respect, to get respect.
Respect is a two-way street. People slag off their in-laws as if they were mortal enemies. If you treat a person who has a vested and valid emotional attachment to someone you love with disdain, you are going to feel some repurcussions from it.
What you put out in life, you generally get back. If the in-laws are mean to you, you do not have to take it, but you can take the high road. Just take a step back and allow them to get on with it, but never make your partner choose between you. If you look deep inside and find that actually, they have a point, swallow your pride and apologise. If not, and they really are at fault, let them and your partner figure it out without you losing your cool.
If they are cool.
If your in-laws (or any other people who matter) are accepting of you, never take it for granted.
Be the person they hope you are. Don’t shit on their son or daughter.
Do nice things for them and with them.
Respect their homes, their beliefs, the things that matter to them.
Be friendly, polite and pleasant.
Be grateful when they do nice things for you.
Allow them space in your life - drop them texts telling them about what their offspring has been up to. Send them nice photos. Include them. After all, if it was your child, you would want their partner to be as inclusive of you too.
They are generally just people who care for their family, and if you are as lucky as I am, they will care for you too. When I lost my Dad, my in-laws rallied round to hold space for me and love me. I am so grateful to have them in our world.
So when they make an effort to get to know you, be glad. Let them be part of his/her life without putting conditions on it. They might just turn out to be your greatest allies when you or your partner need a little support.
I feel like I won the in-law lottery. My in-laws are from a culture that is very much not open to LGBTQ relationships. Even so, when my now-wife told them we were talking about marriage, her dad said, "I thought when my daughter married, I would lose her. Instead, I'm gaining another daughter." I CANNOT with how lovely and warm and supportive these two people are.