What Have I Done?
Losing a parent leads to many thoughts around your own life.
What have I done in life?
A while back, I sat and thought, “What have I achieved in life? What will I be remembered for?”
It was just after losing my Dad, and I had been feeling very mortal. My Dad, who had seemed invincible to me for most of my life, was no longer here, and all that is left of him is my memories.
Losing a parent leads you to question your own mortality and what will come once you cock your toes up.
Being a quitter.
In my twenties, I was an almighty fuck up. I made mistakes, did stupid things and made bad decisions. I spent my thirties recovering and trying to put my life back together. My forties so far have been spent trying to make something useful of my life.
I sometimes still feel a deep sense of shame around some of the idiotic and awful decisions I made. The effects of PTSD after a horrible marriage, which was based on abuses of all kinds, still lingers twenty years later.
That is not how I want to be remembered.
I want them to be proud of me.
Like my dad, I want to be someone my family is proud to remember. We were lucky to have him in our lives, and I want my loved ones to feel that way about me.
I worked bloody hard to be a better person than I previously had been, and I still do.
I make decisions to prevent myself from slipping into bad habits. I make choices that feel right and only spend time with people who are good for me.
I studied hard to learn how to help dogs and dogparents with behavioural issues, and now, more recently, I am also helping speakers of other languages to change their lives by teaching them English.
I hope I will be remembered as someone who made a difference.
I’ll never be a doctor, a professor, a policewoman, a firefighter, or any of those noble and brave things. Still, I can teach and help others become a different, more confident version of themselves.
More than just a good worker.
Keeping balance in your work/home life is important. More than anything, I want my partner and kids to think of me as someone they enjoyed being with. So, while my work is super important to me, it is more important still that they each have memories of my doing things they love with them.
I have been with them to concerts, comics, football matches, holidays, and days out. My partner and I also have regular date nights and afternoons out together. Because if they can’t have me, nobody else should, either.
My dad used to look at the stars with me in his back garden. I’ll always think of him when I look up at the night sky.
I am conscious of my early mistakes and am guilty of judging myself harshly. I would be overjoyed if my worst behaviour was overshadowed by my desire to help others, and that would instead be my legacy.
What would you like to be remembered for?
Why?
Todays Sub Stats
Because not everyone is a Substack Superstar.
Have a great evening,
Freya xx
You have done amazingly well, and can be proud of all you have achieved picking up your life. You are an inspiration to others, with your knowledge and experience. I appreciate the tips and time we have spoken, and will call again soon. Thank you 😊
When my grandpa died, there were way more people at his funeral than I expected. After the eulogy, the minister asked if anyone wanted to say a word about him. So many people stood up to share, telling stories of my grandpa's generosity, kindness, and warmth. I knew he was a great man, but I had no idea how he spent every day making the lives of other people - sometimes strangers - measurably better. Sounds like your dad and my grandpa have that in common. And like you, I want to be like them.